I awoke in a dark place;
if you don’t know it for yourself,
well, you’ve at least heard of it.
It’s permeated with sinking disappointment,
brought on by generations of addiction and abuse.
When you live here,
even the best day,
can turn into your worst.
Sometimes it begins all sunshiny, euphoric,
then you do something wrong,
and you’re left with bruises from Daddy’s belt;
even more unsettling is when it plays out the exact opposite.
At first you fight it;
you even fight for the things that don’t matter,
because you hate to see him win.
Soon you grow weary,
cringing every time he comes home from work.
Then, you try to make him love you,
try to make him care,
for more than everything going his way (perfect).
When that doesn’t work,
well, you just give up.
Sometimes Daddies can’t be Daddies;
sometimes, they shouldn’t be in your life.
© 2010 Dana Renee’ Billingsley
I’m estranged from my father, both by my own choosing and by his; he hasn’t truly been a part of my life since I was in my early teens. I’ve made peace with everything; I’ve forgiven him, and I love him. I guess this is my attempt to explain to those who don’t understand how someone can decide not to have a relationship with their father. It’s not an easy decision and goes so much deeper than this explains, but for me, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself.